I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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