I accidentally had phone sex last night
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
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I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
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250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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