if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
