I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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