The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
