I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
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I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
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So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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