I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
