maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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