How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
