I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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