what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
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