Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
