and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
