There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
