we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
