My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
