It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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