No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
