my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
