omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
