so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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