sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Randomize
