I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
