I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
