I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
