me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
