This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Less talking, more tequila
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
