I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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