I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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