y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Randomize
