i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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