i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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