I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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