anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
