Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
