Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
