I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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