If i come over, it means nothing
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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