you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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