i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
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