This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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