dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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