My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
