Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
