can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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