My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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