Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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