Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
