she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
