Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
