3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
