Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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