I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
my liver is dry heaving
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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