I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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