that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
