yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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