Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
